Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Nestle Jamba Energy Drink
This morning this kitteh was walking through Times Square after his shift at Kitteh Corp. and some other kittehs gave him a free sample can of Nestle's Jamba energy drink.
What does this have to do with Heideh Martinuzzeh? Because us kittehs must protect her beautiful delicate taste buds. Heideh Martinuzzeh's tastebuds are the taste bud equivalent of Laura Wingfield in Tennesseh William's The Glass Menagereh!
So Heideh, please be careful, even if it's a free sample this drink tastes bad (9 Lives bad!), I had blueberry pomegranate. It tastes like Monsteh energy drink but more bitteh, plus its only enehgy ingredient is 80mg of caffeine. This would not provide sufficient energeh for Heideh to go around badmouthing poorly made "X-Men: First Class" posters and alienating her foxy friend Liz Fies, or mocking Wil Keiper for being tricked into raising my daughter as his own after I totally banged his baby's mama and also Wil Keiper has a kitteh penis.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Heidi calls Wil Keiper an "alcoholic troll".
Wil Keiper is such a psycho:
"I am seriously ashamed for you that in a few years your daughter will be old enough to find this thread in a google search and see her mother defending a sexist alcoholic who likes to intimidate women by picking on their weight. What a good role model you are! Have fun explaining that to her, okay?
Wil, you're a fucking piece of work. You're just an alcoholic troll. Please stay away from my friends and their projects."
Wil Keiper of Horror Yearbook has a "kitteh penis".
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| Wil "Kitteh Penis" Keiper |
Heidi Martinuzzi says, "Wil is just attacking all these women because he isn't able to get laid on account of his kitteh sized penis. This is also probably why he is an alcoholic."
Heidi on Troma
"Troma sucks! I'm in a Troma film and its the worst movie ever made!"
Fuck you Lloyd Kaufman!
Kitteh Scareh Reviews Heidi Martinuzzi's "Wretched"
"Wretched" is a short film written and co-directed by Heidi Martinuzzi. I'm sure there were other people involved in making "Wretched" but these people are not Heidi Martinuzzi so they can be quiet (along with all the HIV people, if you have HIV please be quiet!).
"Wretched" is set in a Californey style diner, which unlike the diners here in NY, don't seem to be filled with swarthy foreigners slurping down Polish sausages. Everyone in this Californey diner is clean and white. :)
"Wretched" focuses on a lady (played by some lady) eating at the diner with her husband (played by Joe Bob Briggs of TNT's Monstervision). From their conversation we get the idea that the husband is mildly abusive, one of those stupid dicks that has to make shitty comments about everything. The lady seems like some kind of housewife and is obviously very loneleh like a lost kitteh. :(
We learn just how loneleh and lost this kitteh is when she gets up to use the bathroom. The scenes here in the bathroom are totally gross, but well done, they give you a look into what is probably going whenever your wife gets up to use the bathroom during dinner (unless they are going there to answer a text from the well-endowed black guy they are banging behind your back).
Unfortunateleh this kitteh isn't fucking any blacks behind her husband's back.
Her secret is bulimia.
I found the portrayal of vomity girl behavior in this movie to be verreh accurate and disturbing, especially as it relates to her husband's increasing verbal abuse. The lady playing the lady was excellent and so was Joe Bob Briggs except for the fact that it is hard to believe he could actually be married to a female human.
Joe Bob Briggs, through no efforts of his own, exudes some sort of strange asexuality from every pore. I can't even say asexual is the right word to describe the essence of Briggs, it's more like by the looks of him you would assume he was born with no genitals or anus. It's like his only form of sexual expression/waste excretion is through sneezing bursts of pink glitter out of his nose.
I would have to imagine, based on my viewing of "Wretched", that Joe Bob's form of masturbation involves inserting a Pixy Stix into his belleh button while watching a worn out VHS of "The Last Unicorn".
So anyway...
Using the same rating system used on The Real Stuff Cats Like I will have to give "Wretched" ten Merrie Swains out of ten Merrie Swains.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Heidi on Wil Keiper
Heidi is so brave and powerful. When some kitteh-hater named Wil Keiper was acting all mean and called Kristy Jett fat plus threatened to hump her pussy Heidi stood up for Kristy and was like all:
"@Wil Keiper likes to use sexism to win non-gender-related arguments. Also, his website Horror Yearbook likes to write about women in terms of how much men want to fuck them. VERY sophisticated film journalism."
Then she was like: "Kristy, if he makes any more comments, I'm ready to call him out on sexism on my site."
Wil Keiper, this is a KITTEH warning: Never talk shit about Heideh Martinuzzeh or say anything she disagrees with again!
Or else you suffer the wrath of a million kitteh scratches and kitteh bites!!!
Do Magical Heidi Martinuzzis Eat Magical Cereal With Their Saturday Morning Cartoons?
Saturday morning...
kitteh is hungry...
but the cupboards are bare of any kitteh chow! :(
just like this kitteh's heart is empteh cuz Heidi Martinuzzeh will never love this kitteh :(
and kitteh stares out the window at the dark and cloudeh sky and knows some where the sun is shineh and Heidi Martinuzzeh is eating Lucky Charms and destroying all the mean lonlehness angels on the kittehsphere...
Friday, April 22, 2011
Heidi on Ginia Bellafante
Ginia Bellafante is a crappy writer for the New York Times.
She totally sucks but Heidi Martinuzzi is totally awesome for saying this about her:
"...she's a literary snob and completely out of touch with the rest of the world of entertainment (yet writing on an arts/entertainment section of a major newspaper? Um? Why do some people have good jobs for which they are not qualified, again?) she can't tell her audience to FUCK OFF, which is clearly what she really wants to do..."
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Heidi on Kitteh Scareh
"This is the best blog I have ever seen!"
Wow thanks Heidi. :)
You are the greatest person that has ever existed since The Chipmunks.
FanGirlTastic!
FanGirlTastic is the website owned by Heidi Martinuzzi. It is difficult to even go near something so awe-inspiring. I have been warned never to look at her articles directly because my eyeballs would melt out of my head like in Raiders of the Lost Kitteh!
FanGirlTastic is like the Mona Lisa of blogs, it is way way better than horrornews.net! Like SO much better it makes the people that run that other site lead miserable lives. :(
It must suck to not be Heidi Martinuzzi. I used to not understand people getting all fixated on Jesus. I guess it all makes sense now.
Heidi on The New Republic
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| How can somebody manage to be so amazing, wonderful, and awesome all at the same time? She is Supergirl mixed with Lois Lane and Charlie Sheen but better! |
Welcome to Kitteh Scareh!
Heidi Martinuzzi is the most mysterious and beautiful person to have ever walked this Earth, she is almost as cool as Cate Blanchett's character in "Hanna".
Please follow this blog if you want to keep up on all the latest news in Heidi Martinuzzi fandom.
We also welcome submissions of Heidi Martiuzzi fan fiction or fan art.
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