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Deneen Smurfody

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This bunny knows that Kitteh Scareh is the BEST source for all your Heidi Martinuzzi news!

Heidi to star in "Quantum Leap: Ocean Quest"

Heidi Martinuzzi to star in "Quantum Leap: Ocean Quest" as Jo Beckett, the daughter of Sam Beckett.  Jo Beckett drunkenly steps into her father's quantumizing machine while carrying a tuna fish sandwich between her knees and ends up having to leap into the bodies of different sea creatures and solve their problems.

Jo is aided by her cat Sal, who is able to appear to her under the ocean with the use of an upside down fishbowl placed over his head.

Heidi Got Her AIDS Test Back Positive

:(

Poor AIDSY Heidi...

Heidi's Hot and Not #1

Have you ever wondered what was hot and what was not?   By following what Heidi Martinuzzi thinks is hot or not you will always be in good taste and seem fashionable to people that don't know you very well.


According to Heidi, Marley Shelton is...

TOTALLY HOT!!!

 Purple Zodiac jackets...

ARE TOTALLY NOT MY NIGGA!

 New Mutants #87 (First appearance of Cable) is...

SCORCHING HOT!!!

Kate Beckinsale's hot sexy legs are...

SO NOT HOT!!!

"Leave Her to the AIDS Death of the Universe" by Heidi

Fuck you face!  Shut your face the fuck up!

Sometimes Heidi gets even drunker and writes even crappier poems than the last one I posted, sometimes she does this while listening to Weezer's first album and crying because it reminds her of things...

"Leave Her to the AIDS Death of the Universe"

I was in a rowboat
watching Superman swim in the lake
with kryptonite on his back

I rowed away
every time Superman tried to grab on to the boat
I watched him drown

Then Doomsday was like "Hey I am Doomsday I can't be destroyed so all they could do to get rid of me was to take me all the way to entropy or the heat death of the universe."

"More like the AIDS death of the universe you faggot!" and I was Gene Tierney then.

I was her the whole time and my teeth were just like Bugs Bunny's teeth.

"Rape Pipe" by Heidi

Sometimes Heidi drinks whiskey and writes hardcore poems like some kind of female version of the watered down version of Charles Bukowski that Mickey Rourke played in that really shitty boring movie "Barfly", so anyway here is Heidi's poem and I thank her for sharing it with us (even though it totally sucks).

"Rape Pipe"

I fuck your eyes with it,
the same pipe I fucked your mouth and pussy with

I like the taste of it
the same vag Apollo Creed lost his fists in

This rape pipe isn't a big lez
but when I find you out west and stab your throat
you will truly be the final girl.

This is what Heidi will be watching tonight while alone with her teddy bears and glass unicorns...

This is Heidi's favorite movie.

The Ghost and The Darkness 2: The Cunt and the Asshole by Jeff T. Kane (Serial story) Part 2

It was getting dark as Reginald made his way back to the mission. 

He could still feel the milky lion spit drying on his face.

I am so telling when I see Father Clitter.

"They are so dead," said Reginald out loud to no one.

But someone replied, "No you are dead," in a whispery voice and before Reginald could even register the fear a white gloved hand clasped over his mouth.

Reginald felt something crawl into his mouth and then down his throat.

It tickled at first but then the creature in his throat began to bite and all Reginald's world was pain.

To be continued...

The Ghost and The Darkness 2: The Cunt and the Asshole by Jeff T. Kane (Serial story)

This is an unofficial sequel to "The Ghost and The Darkness".

#1

Reginald had tried to slip through the tall grass unnoticed but the lions had seen him, seen him and more particularly they'd seen he orange bondage pants.

"Dude, what are you some kind of faggot?" said the burly lion wearing a white UCONN baseball cap twisted backwards on his head, he was the one the villagers called The Cunt.  Then the Asshole, his twin brother lion with the crewcut, chimed in, "Yeah are those like professional faggot pants?"

"You guys are so not funny," said Reginald, "weren't your fathers like tough maneaters? All you guys do is talk shit about people."

"Whatevs," said the Cunt, "I'd eat you if I was hungreh."

"Whatever," said Reginald, "You guys are such losers, you just put other people down to feel better about yourselves."

"Rarr rarr!" growled the Asshole as he lunged upon Reginald with his paws out and hocked a lugee all over his face.

"Ew you sick piece of shit," said Reginald as he tore out his pink kerchief and mopped the lion spit from his face.

"Ha ha!" said the Cunt and the Asshole in unison.

"Whatever I am totally telling Father Clitter when I get back to the mission."

"Fuck you tattletale," said the Cunt.

Reginald walked away into the African woods without saying a word or looking back.

"Good riddens faggot!" said the Asshole.

To be continued...

Heidi on Logging Into Fangirltastic

I stole this picture off another blog!  Fuck them!

Heidi is such a wonderful and helpful person, if you have trouble logging into her site this is what she will say:

"really? What happens when you try to log in directly? Do you get an error message, or blank page? Let's try to figure it out and fix it so you can. ;) "

 

That crappy poem about footsteps in the sand was missing a verse at the end, after that asshole finds out it was God carrying him all those times when he only saw one set of prints he is contacted by an investigative reporter who found evidence that shows it was actually Heidi carrying him and God the whole time and that she is able to alternate between leaving two or four sets of footprints at will because sometimes she transforms into a unicorn.

Heidi Rules!

Kitty Krueger's Kitteh Show!

Deneen Melody rules!

Kitteh Scareh's Horror Hunks Month

In honor of Heidi Martinuzzi's vagina hole Kitteh Scareh is officially declaring May to be "Hot Cocks of Horror Month". 

We are asking all horror blogs to participate and write something about your favorite horror hunk, like Chad Michael Murray or Thom Matthews.

Here is Kitteh Scareh's list of our own favorite horror hunks, not listed in order of preference because they are all stone foxes:

1.  Tom Welling (The Fog)- The remake of the Fog is the worst piece of crap ever but is still worth watching to see Smallville hunk Tom Welling in every single scene.

Tom Welling

2.  Chad Michael Murray (House of Wax)- Chad Michael Murray is hot in a grimey kind of way, kind of like his character Nick in "House of Wax".  He is a total badass and kills people with crossbows.  Fuck you if you actually think "House of Wax" was a bad movie. 

Chad Michael Murray

3.  Jared Padalecki (Supernatural, House of Wax, Friday the 13th)-  A lot of girls call themselves scream queens but they are boring cunts that never did anything that cool.  Jared Padalecki is the Scream King and he blows all those whores away, even Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

Jared Padalecki

4. Thom Matthews (Return of the Living Dead, Friday the 13th VI)-  Tommy Jarvis fucking rules!  Thom Matthews is an old school horror hunk and the Jared Padalecki of his day.  I long for the day when some young horror director decides to bring him back and make him a star again, if Jeff Fahey can come back why can't he?

Thom Matthews

5.  Jeff Fahey (Psycho 3, Body Parts)-  Jeff Fahey is enjoying a resurgence in his popularity right now due to two amazing performances in Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror and Machete but who can forget how hot and creepy this hunk was back in the day in awesome movies like Psycho 3 and Lawnmower Man.

Jeff Fahey

Okay hope you enjoyed my list of horror hunks, if you post your own please link me so I can read yours.

:)

Kittehal Activiteh: A Serial Story by Jeff T. Kane PART 3

Doc Kitteh woke up in the dark.

The clock on his nightstand read four A.M. 

Doc Kitteh had not slept well, not since the demon, and the jet lag didn't help.  It was why he'd sworn off going to Paris in the past, before the demon.  He'd traveled enough during his kitteh life.

Doc Kitteh retrieved the small vial of catnip he had packed into his manicure kit and sniffed, waiting for that tiny wave of peacefulness it brought over him, so fleeting, but just enough to keep it so that the hesitation marks on his fluffeh kitteh wrists remained that way, marks of hesitation, just a step towards the threshold of suicide then a quick step back.  Like doing a nutty little fox trot with death himself, a totally hot kind of death like Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black, a stone fox of eternity.

Surfing the channels the only decent thing Doc could find to watch was some American movie with Adam Sandler, he was playing this guy that'd lost his family in 9/11.

In one scene he is crying and talking about how he sees his wife and daughters everywhere and how he even see the stupid dog's face in the face of every other animal.

Doc Kitteh couldn't help it, he started to cry along with Adam Sandler, he knew it was true, Doc Kitteh saw the stupid dog's face everywhere. 

He saw it being torn off by the demon.

Doc Kitteh cried into his pillow and could not remember when it was he fell back asleep but a knock from the concierge woke him up about noon.

Upon opening the door Doc Kitteh was presented with a small envelope.

"What the fuck is this?" said Doc Kitteh.

"A letter Dr. Kitteh."

Doc slammed the door and tore open the small pink envelope.  Inside was a small card with a lily printed on it.

Doc Kitteh's heart sank as he read the inscription, "What part of best friends forever did you not understand?  Forever is forever.  Yours always in friendship, Eric Bana."

"Fuck," said Doc Kitteh as he smushed his paw against his eyes, blacking everything out, trying as hard as he could to make the world go away.

To be continued...

Kittehal Activiteh: A Serial Story by Jeff T. Kane PART 2!

The call had come two days ago. 

The demon was haunting a French villa for months now, possessing one of the family's teenage daughters and turning her into a hardcore fuck machine, he'd fucked his way through about forty stinky Frenchmen already.

The demon had forgotten about California already.  The party he'd had there, ripping off that yuppie douchebag Micah's head. 

It had all been so easy, so fun, no cats, no "kittehs" as those fucking sick monsters sometimes called themselves.

Then the call had come.

"I'm coming for you faggot.  Meow meow meow."

Then today they had found the demon's associate, Demony Jones, they found his head in a dumpster behind the US Air Terminal at the Paris airport.  The horns ripped out of his head.

Kitteh fur stuck in his empty eye sockets...

To be continued...

Kittehal Activiteh: A Serial Story by Jeff T. Kane

Part one:

The demon had bide its time, waiting for when Doc Kitteh had been sent to the groomer's.

Over that weekend, without the cat around, the evil coward had slaughtered the entire family, the baby Hunter, even the stupid dog.

Doc Kitteh had spent weeks at the groomer's until they transferred him to the animal shelter.  They had tried to adopt him out, even writing some sob story on the info card that hung off his cage door about how his family had been murdered.

Doc Kitteh had gotten tired of the whole shelter deal  so he broke out with some other cats and found his way back to the house in the valley.

Someone had scrubbed the place and put up a For Sale sign but under all the bleach and paint Doc could still smell it, the baby's blood, the dog's blood, and that other shitty smell:  that burnt orange smell of demon cum.

Doc Kitteh locked on to that scent with his kitteh sniffer and he looked at the dog's picture hanging over the litterbox and said to him, "I promise you, I'm gonna find that demon and kill him and all his associates too!"


To be continued...

Bring Meh the Head of Andrea Kirk!

Die die Andrea Kirk!

Kitteh Krueger will pay two cases of Fancy Feast to any kitteh that brings him the decapitated head of Andrea Kirk.  If you are a kitteh in the Pennsylvania area where she lives it will probably be easier for you than other non-local kittehs.

If you prefer Sheba to Fancy Feast that is totalleh cool but Andrea Kirk's head MUST be fully seperated from her shitty little body!

Kitteh Krueger Blood Origins #1: Enter Ace McClit

Watch "Jenny and Johnny - Big Wave (Live on KCRW)" on YouTube

Kitty Krueger's acting Methods Episode #1

Nestle Jamba Energy Drink

This morning this kitteh was walking through Times Square after his shift at Kitteh Corp. and some other kittehs gave him a free sample can of Nestle's Jamba energy drink.

What does this have to do with Heideh Martinuzzeh?  Because us kittehs must protect her beautiful delicate taste buds.  Heideh Martinuzzeh's tastebuds are the taste bud equivalent of Laura Wingfield in Tennesseh William's The Glass Menagereh!

So Heideh, please be careful, even if it's a free sample this drink tastes bad (9 Lives bad!), I had blueberry pomegranate.  It tastes like Monsteh energy drink but more bitteh, plus its only enehgy ingredient is 80mg of caffeine.  This would not provide sufficient energeh for Heideh to go around badmouthing poorly made "X-Men: First Class" posters and alienating her foxy friend Liz Fies, or mocking Wil Keiper for being tricked into raising my daughter as his own after I totally banged his baby's mama and also Wil Keiper has a kitteh penis.

Heidi calls Wil Keiper an "alcoholic troll".

Wil Keiper is such a psycho:

"I am seriously ashamed for you that in a few years your daughter will be old enough to find this thread in a google search and see her mother defending a sexist alcoholic who likes to intimidate women by picking on their weight. What a good role model you are! Have fun explaining that to her, okay?
Wil, you're a fucking piece of work. You're just an alcoholic troll. Please stay away from my friends and their projects."

Wil Keiper of Horror Yearbook has a "kitteh penis".



Wil "Kitteh Penis" Keiper


Heidi Martinuzzi says, "Wil is just attacking all these women because he isn't able to get laid on account of his kitteh sized penis.  This is also probably why he is an alcoholic."

Heidi on Troma

"Troma sucks! I'm in a Troma film and its the worst movie ever made!"

Fuck you Lloyd Kaufman!

Heidi on Thomas Dekker

"Thomas Dekker is gay! he just doesn't know it yet."

Kitteh Scareh Reviews Heidi Martinuzzi's "Wretched"

"Wretched" is a short film written and co-directed by Heidi Martinuzzi.  I'm sure there were other people involved in making "Wretched" but these people are not Heidi Martinuzzi so they can be quiet (along with all the HIV people, if you have HIV please be quiet!). 

"Wretched" is set in a Californey style diner, which unlike the diners here in NY, don't seem to be filled with swarthy foreigners slurping down Polish sausages.  Everyone in this Californey diner is clean and white.  :)

"Wretched" focuses on a lady (played by some lady) eating at the diner with her husband (played by Joe Bob Briggs of TNT's Monstervision).  From their conversation we get the idea that the husband is mildly abusive, one of those stupid dicks that has to make shitty comments about everything.  The lady seems like some kind of housewife and is obviously very loneleh like a lost kitteh.  :(

We learn just how loneleh and lost this kitteh is when she gets up to use the bathroom.  The scenes here in the bathroom are totally gross, but well done,  they give you a look into what is probably going whenever your wife gets up to use the bathroom during dinner (unless they are going there to answer a text from the well-endowed black guy they are banging behind your back).

Unfortunateleh this kitteh isn't fucking any blacks behind her husband's back.

Her secret is bulimia. 

I found the portrayal of vomity girl behavior in this movie to be verreh accurate and disturbing, especially as it relates to her husband's increasing verbal abuse.  The lady playing the lady was excellent and so was Joe Bob Briggs except for the fact that it is hard to believe he could actually be married to a female human. 

Joe Bob Briggs, through no efforts of his own, exudes some sort of strange asexuality from every pore.  I can't even say asexual is the right word to describe the essence of Briggs, it's more like by the looks of him you would assume he was born with no genitals or anus.  It's like his only form of sexual expression/waste excretion is through sneezing bursts of pink glitter out of his nose. 

I would have to imagine, based on my viewing of "Wretched", that Joe Bob's form of masturbation involves inserting a Pixy Stix into his belleh button while watching a worn out VHS of "The Last Unicorn".

So anyway...

Using the same rating system used on The Real Stuff Cats Like I will have to give "Wretched" ten Merrie Swains out of ten Merrie Swains.

"I Will Always Love You (Heidi Martinuzzi)" by Kitty Krueger and Dolly P...

"I Love You Heidi Martinuzzi(The Director's Cut)

Songs That Make Us Think of Heidi Saturday!

Heidi on Wil Keiper

Heidi is so brave and powerful.  When some kitteh-hater named Wil Keiper was acting all mean and called Kristy Jett fat plus threatened to hump her pussy Heidi stood up for Kristy and was like all:

"@Wil Keiper likes to use sexism to win non-gender-related arguments. Also, his website Horror Yearbook likes to write about women in terms of how much men want to fuck them. VERY sophisticated film journalism."

Then she was like:  "Kristy, if he makes any more comments, I'm ready to call him out on sexism on my site."

Wil Keiper, this is a KITTEH warning:  Never talk shit about Heideh Martinuzzeh or say anything she disagrees with again!

Or else you suffer the wrath of a million kitteh scratches and kitteh bites!!!

Do Magical Heidi Martinuzzis Eat Magical Cereal With Their Saturday Morning Cartoons?

Saturday morning...

kitteh is hungry...

but the cupboards are bare of any kitteh chow!  :(

just like this kitteh's heart is empteh cuz Heidi Martinuzzeh will never love this kitteh :(

and kitteh stares out the window at the dark and cloudeh sky and knows some where the sun is shineh and Heidi Martinuzzeh is eating Lucky Charms and destroying all the mean lonlehness angels on the kittehsphere...

Heidi on Ginia Bellafante

Ginia Bellafante is a crappy writer for the New York Times.

She totally sucks but Heidi Martinuzzi is totally awesome for saying this about her:

"...she's a literary snob and completely out of touch with the rest of the world of entertainment (yet writing on an arts/entertainment section of a major newspaper? Um? Why do some people have good jobs for which they are not qualified, again?) she can't tell her audience to FUCK OFF, which is clearly what she really wants to do..."

Wretched by Heidi Martinuzzi

Heidi on Kitteh Scareh

"This is the best blog I have ever seen!"

Wow thanks Heidi.  :)

You are the greatest person that has ever existed since The Chipmunks.

Heid and Elvira

FanGirlTastic!

FanGirlTastic is the website owned by Heidi Martinuzzi.  It is difficult to even go near something so awe-inspiring.  I have been warned never to look at her articles directly because my eyeballs would melt out of my head like in Raiders of the Lost Kitteh!

FanGirlTastic is like the Mona Lisa of blogs, it is way way better than horrornews.net!  Like SO much better it makes the people that run that other site lead miserable lives.  :( 

It must suck to not be Heidi Martinuzzi.  I used to not understand people getting all fixated on Jesus.  I guess it all makes sense now. 

Heidi on The New Republic

How can somebody manage to be so amazing, wonderful, and awesome all at the same time?  She is Supergirl mixed with Lois Lane and Charlie Sheen but better!

"How the fuck is @The New Republic Magazine still in business after the Glass thing? And why the fuck is the political coverage on Jezebel as dumb as a 7th grade podcast? How do you get a job at Jezebel? Be really really shallow and annoying and typical, I guess?"

Only some kind of stunningly beautiful super genius could even conceive of thoughts such as those pasted above.

It makes me wish that the entire staff of the New Republic would commit some sort of coordinated suicide jump where their bodies would splatter in a way that perfectly spelled out "HEIDI MaRTINUZZI"!

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Heidi Martinuzzi is the most mysterious and beautiful person to have ever walked this Earth, she is almost as cool as Cate Blanchett's character in "Hanna".

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